How to Impress an Italian Girl

Travel makes people more open, so it's no surprise travelers fall for people they meet on the road. In Italy it's hard not to fall at least a little for an Italian. But flirting across a crowded bar is one thing. If you'd actually like to ask her out, and have her say yes, a few things work differently in Italy. Some of this is obvious. Some of it will surprise you.

Jessica wrote the first version of this guide in 2010 with help from a group of Italians and long-time expats (they're credited at the bottom). The basics have held up. What has changed is how people meet: a lot of first contact now happens on the same dating apps you use at home, and the old rules about who pays and who calls have loosened, especially in the big cities. This guide is written for a man hoping to impress an Italian woman, but most of it applies whoever you are and whoever you're hoping to impress. There's a companion guide on how to impress an Italian guy.

Pay Attention to Style

Italians notice clothes, and what you wear counts for a lot when an Italian woman is sizing you up. The Italian men you're competing with generally make an effort, even for a casual drink. There is absolutely such a thing as "too casual" in Italy: gym wear, flip-flops away from the beach and a faded travel T-shirt all say you didn't try.

You don't need a new wardrobe. One well-fitting shirt, dark trousers or jeans without rips, and clean leather shoes or plain sneakers will do more for you than anything with a logo. If you want to buy something here, look at what's in every shop window that season and pick the simplest version of it. Get a haircut and keep any beard trimmed.

>> For more, see Jessica's guide on what to wear in Italy.

Skip Politics (at First)

As anywhere, some subjects can wait until you know where the other person stands. In Italy the big one is politics. Italians are often happy to argue about it with friends, but a stranger with strong opinions on the government is a bad first impression, and the parties and alliances are genuinely hard for an outsider to follow.

Religion is the other one. Most Italians grew up Catholic, and plenty who never go to Mass still care about the traditions, so jokes about the Church land badly until you know her better.

Safe ground: food, football, where she's from, where you've been in Italy and where she thinks you should go next. Italians love giving travel advice, and asking for it is the easiest opener there is.

Be Confident, and Be Courteous

As Jessica wrote in why she liked being a woman in Italy, Italian women tend to be confident, and meek men don't get far. Have opinions, say them, and make eye contact.

Courtesy still matters too. Holding a door, walking her home or to her bus, and showing up on time count for a lot. Flowers on a first date alone together are a nice touch rather than an over-the-top gesture.

As for the bill: on a first date, offer to pay, and mean it. Many Italian women still expect the man to pay the first time, and plenty of others will insist on splitting it alla romana (half each). If she insists, let her. Arguing over it is worse than either outcome.

Confidence is not the same as persistence. If she says no, or doesn't reply, that's the answer. The stereotype of the Italian man who won't take no for one is exactly the thing she'll be glad you're not.

Don't Ever Criticize Mom

The Italian mamma is close to a sacred figure. One of the worst things you can do is criticize anyone's mother: yours, hers or anyone else's.

If you get far enough to meet her family, it doesn't matter how often she complains about her mother. You don't get to agree. Nod, change the subject, and eat whatever you're served.

And since most Italian women aren't looking for a mammone (a mama's boy), don't talk too much about your own mother either. Living with your parents is less of a red flag here than in the US, though: according to Eurostat, young Italians leave home at 30 on average, about four years later than the EU norm.

The First Date Is Often a Group Date

Italians socialize in a compagnia, a steady circle of friends, often going back to school. So if you invite her for an aperitivo, don't be surprised if she brings a couple of friends. Be ready to bring one or two of yours.

It isn't that she's nervous about being alone with you. A group takes the pressure off, and it lets everyone see how you get on with her friends, whose opinion matters. A second or third invitation usually means she likes you and her friends approve.

The aperitivo is the perfect first date anyway: early evening, a drink and some snacks, over by 9 if it isn't going well, easily turned into dinner if it is.

Apps Are Normal, but Real Life Still Counts

In Milan, Rome, Bologna and the other big cities, meeting on a dating app is as ordinary as it is at home, and it's the easiest way in if you're only in town for a week. Say honestly that you're visiting, suggest meeting somewhere public, and keep the messages short and in good humor. Outside the cities, and in small towns especially, people still mostly meet through friends, work and the evening passeggiata, so the group-date advice above matters more there.

Learn Some Italian

Many Italians, especially younger ones, speak good English these days, but knowing a little Italian still helps. Italians know their language isn't the most useful one to learn, so they're usually touched when someone makes the effort. (If you speak French, Jessica was told that goes down well too.)

Go beyond "ciao". A few lines worth learning:

Stumbling good-naturedly over a phrase you learned for her is endearing. If she laughs at you unkindly, she probably wasn't worth impressing. Which leads to the most important one.

Be Yourself

Whatever else you take from this list, be yourself. Pretending to be someone else doesn't end well, and Italians tend to be direct about dating.

The Rules was translated into Italian, but its head games, like waiting three days to call, never caught on. If she likes you, she'll let you know. If she doesn't, she'll probably tell you so, which saves you waiting by the phone. Be ready for honesty, and be honest back.

Thanks to the people who helped Jessica answer the question "what does it take to impress an Italian girl?" in 2010:

• Only in Italy
• Monica Cesarato
• Sara Rosso, Ms. Adventures in Italy
• Michelle, Michellanea
• Alex Roe, Italy Chronicles

photos, top to bottom, by: Ed Yourdon, jonrawlinson, Ed Yourdon, Ed Yourdon